8 Tips to Deal with Family Drama, Because Let's Be Honest, It's Not Going Anywhere

Dr. Andrea Bonior: Does your family have drama? And if it does, would you like to be able to handle it just a little bit better? Today we'll go over eight tips to help manage family drama, a stressor that afflicts nearly everyone at some point. From preparing for difficult conversations to managing chronically difficult people. From de-escalating an ongoing conflict to just getting out of a multigenerational vacation without saying something you regret, we'll explore specific tools to reduce the dysfunction and help you feel more in control. If you've ever wanted to scream because your family felt more like a three ring circus than an oasis of comfort, you’ll want to listen to today's Baggage Check.

Welcome, I'm Dr. Andrea Bonior, and this is Baggage Check: Mental Health and Advice, with new episodes every Tuesday and Friday. Baggage Check is not a show about luggage or travel. Incidentally, it's also not a show about the mating habits of the yellow-bellied marmot.

Family Drama-- it can encompass so much, and we might define it in a variety of ways. For some, it's ongoing grudges or freeze-outs that last years. For others, it's an explosive conversation about politics that gets everyone riled. And though it's never talked about again, it leaves people unsettled. But what almost all family drama has in common is that it tends to raise our stress levels. And it's not something we can easily run away from, nor should we necessarily try. Virtually everyone's life involves interactions that can be uncomfortable or make our blood boil or make us want to escape. and when these interactions involve people that are in our family, the effects can cut even deeper. There can be a variety of emotions involved, from sadness to fury, from resentment to shame, from fear to resignation. Thankfully, psychological science can shed light on how to make some of this better. It can't force your uncle Gary to stop rattling off conspiracy theories. (I mean, how rancid is his social media echo chamber?) But it can help you face the situation with more resilience and calm.

So let's begin. Here are eight tips for combating even the messiest of family drama. Number one-- identify your biggest triggers and cultivate self awareness. It's hard to be fully aware of our triggers, And even if we're somewhat aware of them, to be truly honest about the role they play in our behavior. It's kind of funny. There's a talk I give a lot on dealing with difficult people. Some of the audiences I've had for that, well, if you heard who they were, it would make you laugh. But the truth is, if I'm talking to hundreds of people, then sometimes I am talking to the difficult people themselves. I mean, there's no way around it. Statistically, how do we come to terms with the fact that if there is family drama, we may not always be objective about our role in contributing to it? And somebody else may be thinking that we are the main source of it? Sort of like how nearly three quarters of American drivers think that they are above average. Frightening. Of course, none of my listeners have anything less than impeccable behavior, whether dealing with family or navigating a left exit in their Impala. Your turn signal is not working, by the way. But let's pretend that there is a slight possibility that you may have a role in contributing to some of the drama. You could start to recognize this by thinking about your triggers. Or maybe you truly are a completely innocent party. It will still be very helpful to think about your triggers. And what do I mean by triggers? That's a buzzword I have no intention of wading into fully today, except in the sense to say that triggers are things that tend to set us off, tend to really set off our threat detectors especially. And they affect us in particularly emotional ways, usually because of some unique vulnerabilities that we might have. Look, you deserve to know what these are for yourself so that you can protect yourself and also so that you can keep from inadvertently making a conflict worse. What bothers you the most? Is it intrusive questions about your love life? Is it a history of your sister always needing attention? Is it the political differences you have with your parents? Is it a specific incident that was never resolved and you still feel angry about it? Is it a simple habit that one of your family members has that just drives you up the wall? The more you recognize your triggers, the more you can put strategies in place to neutralize the threat of them.

Number two--figure out your boundaries and make a plan for enforcing them. So knowing your triggers can help you be proactive in setting up some boundaries so that your triggers don't get trounced on over and over again while you're just trying to eat some pigs in a blanket at your cousin's birthday party. Also, sometimes the particularly bad part of family drama is that we feel steamrolled after certain interactions, kicking ourselves for not standing up for ourselves better, or regretting that we got over involved in a situation that didn't really have to include us. But both of these scenarios can be prevented with some honest and realistic strategizing about boundary setting. Now, there's so much to say about boundary setting, and it's become a bit of a buzzword in a lot of circles. There are ways to do it healthily, and there are ways to do it that are nearly as dysfunctional as having zero boundaries. And so we can't get into all aspects of boundary setting right now, that's for a future show. But let's start with the fact that functional boundaries can and should be set and enforced. Whenever there is family drama, they will go a long way in helping you stay true to yourself and to your character and help prevent things from escalating into a battle royale. Maybe your most important boundaries involve the way people talk to each other and you'll decide to exit a conversation if people are belittling or overly, uh, critical. Maybe your boundaries are to not indulge in gossip or to not get into questions about politics, or to not answer queries about your financial situation while passing the sweet potatoes. Be clear with yourself about what is and is not acceptable to you and what goes against your values. You can't control other people trying to step over those boundaries, but you can calmly and respectfully communicate those boundaries like “No baby news, Grandma. And in fact, I was hoping not to be asked about kids yet because we just got married…… 14 minutes ago.” When you have these boundaries in place, practice flexing your muscles to stick to them.

Number 3-- for interactions, have a clear plan and mentally rehearse it if you know you have some interactions with family coming up, whether a visit or a phone call or an awkward Zoom where nobody says anything for 7 seconds, and then everybody says something for the next 10 seconds, and then it keeps repeating that way until you want to feign a bad connection and just disappear. Well, it will help you keep your boundaries in good working condition if you have a plan. And yes, this can actually include some scripted lines, maybe ways to get you out of a particular conversation, like, “Well, I'm not sure about that, dad, but how about that new overpass that's going up on the 101?” Plans don't just give us a roadmap to get out of a situation, but they give us a sense of predictability and controllability that can lessen our stress response and minimize our associated feelings of upset. And when we rehearse in advance, we pave the way for our response to come more naturally and easily. We create that pathway in our brains. Think of a plan for how to escape a line of conversation that doesn't feel right for you. How to extricate yourself physically from a conflict like, hey, I'm just going to take a walk. Or go see what my toddler niece has gotten into. Or go find a home with all the stonefaced flannel shirted men watching football in the basement. Now, you don't want your plan to be so rigid that you'll be thrown off if you can't follow it exactly. But the more escape routes you have already rehearsed, the more easily you'll be able to summon one when you need one.

Number four. Zoom out to the Big Picture. There are so many situations when zooming out to the big picture is crucial. And when you're embroiled in really stressful family drama, this is definitely one of those times. The first aspect of this is: what really is your role here? Are you assuming that you need to get involved when in reality you don't? Do you feel pressured to take sides when really you can just empathize? Are you thinking it's up to you to fix something that's not your place to fix? Or are you feeling like you should somehow be able to get someone to behave better when you've been trying that for 14 years and there's really no evidence that it's been super helpful? It's also important to zoom out to what you actually want out of a situation, and whether that is realistic. So, for instance, if you're going to a family gathering, is your goal just to be there for a certain person in support? And it need not be any more complicated than that. Is your goal to get through a holiday gathering with some laughter and some quality time with your brother and that's it? Is your goal to take care of your own needs, like focusing on your sobriety and whatever you need to do to maintain it? Keep that big picture in mind so that you're less likely to get lost. And finally, your big picture values matter immensely as well. Who is the person that you want to be through some of these interactions? What parts of your character do you want to make sure that you're conveying--honesty kindness, empathy, level-headedness, humor. One of the worst parts of any situation with drama, especially drama that hits so close to home, is that it can make us behave in ways that aren't true to our values. This is especially the case when triggers are involved because we have those outsized reactions. But hey, you're starting to do work on noticing those triggers, right? So it's all coming together. The more that we can keep our values in mind, reminding ourselves of them, the more of a guidepost they can be for us. And help minimize us doing something that we'll regret.

Number Five-- be mindful of your physical body and take care of yourself. Our minds and our bodies are pretty much the same thing. and often our bodies directly impact how we think and feel about a certain situation, especially in hot button moments of conflict. You will be far better able to be the person that you want to be in any given drama when you can notice and be aware of what's going on for you physically, spend time really paying attention to your body when you are upset, how do you feel irritation coming on? Where does it build? When does it turn into anger? Is it heat in your chest? Tension in your muscles? Or maybe a throbbing in your jaw? How do you tend to feel anxiety? Is it fast breathing? A flip flopping? Stomach tingling in your hands? Or an ache in your neck? All of these physical symptoms are examples of common responses to stress inducing situations. And all of them have physical solutions that can be used in the moment. That's good news. From diaphragmatic breathing to neck stretches, from progressive muscle relaxation to rubbing your temples, experiment with what works to lessen these physical signs of arousal for you to make you feel less reactive in the moment. Because when we let those physical sensations lead to escalating a conflict, we create a vicious cycle because we'll be even more stressed for future interactions with that person or in that situation which once again will make us more likely to escalate again. Rinse and repeat. So the most important deescalation technique the pause. Of course, you may know by now how much I like the pause and I try my hardest to practice what I preach. Certainly not with perfection. Notice what's going on for you. That's the pause right there in the moment. Are my thoughts racing? Is my body raging? Am I about to speed right into a full-on blow up? Even just making a habit of waiting 5 seconds before speaking in a tense situation can help keep you from doing further damage. And use little reminders to do this-- wear something on your wrist, set phone reminders to check in with yourself during the day. These can all start to make it a, uh, daily practice. And finally, while we're on your physical body-- mhm, that came out wrong. [laughs] Take care of the basics that it needs. When you can, you know you won't be your best self around your argumentative, brother-in-law, if you're underslept or if you've been cooped up without any fresh air or body movement for two days. You deserve to take care of yourself. And it will help your reactions to your family members as well.

Number six, don't over personalize. It's virtually impossible not to take family drama personally, that's true. But sometimes we over personalize and we don't realize that it's not really about us at all. Even more important, don't let other people's judgment of you automatically seep into your judgment of yourself. What if you were to work on accepting the idea that other people will always have lenses slightly different than yours in house in how they see the world? And well, some of those lenses have some crud on them or a crack right down the center. There is some interesting research on what's called dispositional attitude that seems to verify that, well, to put it in basic terms, that haters are going to hate. There is a subset of people who are simply prone to having a problem with almost everything and everyone. And it's much more about their characteristics than it is about the variables of what's ever being presented to them. There's just very little chance of pleasing these people. So, you can imagine what a brutally futile endeavor it is to try to change these folks’ minds. And it is also exceptionally cruel to yourself if you take their judgments as having anything to do with you. What would it be like to grant yourself the freedom to really take in that their behavior toward you is because of who they are, not who you are? And how much emotional energy do you really want to give to their own stuff? Of course, sometimes not over personalizing is important not because the other person has a skewed view, but because we are distorting something in our own minds, often because of a trigger of ours. Our mom said something in a text that we assumed was a dig at our spending habits because we've been feeling self-conscious about them lately. But in reality, an objective observer would say that there was no real evidence that it was about us at all. Now, if someone gives you deodorant as a birthday gift, sure, feel free to interpret what that might mean. But a lot of times we may just be over personalizing something that really didn't signify what we thought it did. That doesn't mean it doesn't sting and we have a right to our feelings. But the work comes in recognizing our vulnerabilities rather than automatically acting like the other person was firing shots. If you have a person you trust to be objective, they can often be helpful in giving you a reality check. Number seven remember who loves you and that compassion can coexist with frustration. There's m some interesting lines of research that suggest that when we visualize, even briefly, being cared for and loved, it helps lessen our sensitivity to threat. In other words, just picturing a nurturing scene or someone caring for you can help you feel less angered by someone that makes you feel threatened. Now, maybe the people that we traditionally would want to visualize caring for us, our family maybe they're not actually the ones that make the most sense to give a starring role here because they're causing the drama. Perhaps so we can visualize someone else. Maybe it's your friends or your kind roommate or that colleague that brings you your favorite coffee order. Visualizing someone being cared for can be a positive thing, no matter who is in it. And in fact, the research showed that our amygdalas, our brain's threat detectors, actually had a significantly lessened response even when we were shown pictures of other people being cared for. When your hair is standing on end because of family drama, this can create an oasis in your mind and help you find your calm. And remembering not to be all or none about feelings is important, too. Compassion and frustration can exist together. Don't layer a guilt trip on yourself if you're frustrated with somebody that you love. And don't automatically assume that it will damage the relationship. Love and care can coexist with needing a break. And there's another aspect of using this compassion and care mindset, uh, to help calm us. And that involves sending compassionate thoughts to others. There's solid research that doing this-- sending kind and merciful thoughts towards other people-- can help lessen rumination about our own perceived hurt. And when the hurt is flying during family drama, this can be a really good way of lowering the temperature. Now remember, this is not a free pass for toxic positivity. Oh, I must absolutely cherish this person that just called me a lazy cow, but rather it's allowing us to see the bigger picture, to imagine once again that it's not all about us. That maybe our sister in law is cold to us because she's had some struggles with depression that we're not aware of, or our uncle’s nitpicking comes from a constant state of anxiety. Stepping into a place of kindness can be as simple as choosing the mantra “I am sending them goodwill” rather than cycling through a place of hurt over and over again. This doesn't have to mean forgiveness. There is much to say on forgiveness. Another episode I'll be queuing up sometime. But this is about choosing to get relief from some of your own ruminations by stepping outside of them and embracing the good feelings that love and care have to offer us.

Number eight. Bring in support. Good support can look like anything where there's a connection that makes you feel less alone. Maybe it's laughing with your partner about the situation. Or maybe it's enlisting your really cool cousin to have your back when you enact your escape plan at the big barbecue. If there's someone in your world that you trust and who has a comforting presence, feeling some solidarity with them can go a long way. Uh, especially if you allow yourself to ask for what you need. There are a few things in life that are helped by feeling like you're alone, though trying to record a podcast episode without interruption is a notable exception. Are you pretending to be gladiators downstairs or what? It is Thunderdome down there. It is Thunderdome, happening in my house. But in general, feeling isolated can make things more difficult to bear. Social support is so important. So whether you're asking for someone's advice, or just for their listening skills, or just the fact that you know that you can text about this and get a laugh with them later, it can all make a meaningful difference. And it can also help with some of the reality checks that we talked about. Of course, sometimes seeking out professional help is going to be the way to go too. The percentage of clients that have come to me because their family situation just feels too much to bear, it's really high. And sometimes family drama affects us in ways that we're not even aware of at first, especially if it's gone on for a long time, so don't be afraid to reach out for professional support, too. Family drama is one of the most common problems that knocks people off their feet, even if they had previously thought of themselves as relatively high functioning emotionally. So once again, you are not alone. If you are struggling, do you have a specific scenario that's getting you stuck? And these tools just don't seem to be helping? Consider reaching out to us at baggagecheckpodcast.com.

Thank you for joining me today. Once again I’m Dr. Andrea Bonior and this has been Baggage Check, with new episodes every Tuesday and Friday. Join us on Instagram @baggagecheckpodcast to give your take on upcoming topics and guests? And why not tell your chatty coworker where to find us? Our original music is by Jordan Cooper, cover art by Danielle Merity, and my studio security is provided by Buster the Dog. Until next time, take good care.